Can we catch up?

The letter came home in her backpack. It's something I pushed, prayed, cried,  argued, and wanted but why was I paralyzed by the words IEP meeting.  Her scores from her IQ test sent me to my knees in tears. The scores stabbed my heart. Can we catch up?   My time left with her before she is an adult is short. I only have 8 years left. 

How come I could not help fix her?  I adopted her. I am her mom. I had all the formal education. I was skilled in all the things to do and NOTHING I did worked.  I took her to therapy. I read, fussed, cried, took her to a tutor, came to school early for help, prayed for answers. Every teacher in her school that crossed her path worked with her by staying late, coming early and going above and beyond.  The 31/2 years since I became her mom flashed in front of my eyes. I exhausted all my energy and resources and could NOT teach her like I could teach other children.  I was so frustrated. 

She related to other teachers and not me. BUT why. I was her mom. She related to me on other things. Why couldn't I teach her to read? She made small gains but regressed so quickly. She retained little and could read some but NOT enough to satisfy me as a mom!   I need her to read so she can be a successful adult. I want her to have a life that is not inhibited by this problem. I want her confident and to feel certain in all situations just like I want all my children. 

I was giving myself mixed signals. I wanted the Individual education Plan...YET I didn't. I wanted it to go away. I wanted to be able to do it on my own. Yet, I knew I couldn't. 

How can I be a mom to a child that can make a 32 on an ACT and then I can't teach this one to read. I was so conflicted in my heart. Motherhood at it's finest.  Motherhood at it's worse. I was so frustrated.  Should I push her harder? Am I not pushing her hard enough? What am I doing wrong? Where is God when I am praying for help? Why can't I get answers? 

Adoption is tricky. Bonding is tricky.  When I removed all homework and school work from our lives. She began to bond with me so much. Does this mean I don't push her to read more at home? 

Even reading for fun was a struggle but cooking with me was perfect. If I got the book out and cuddled with her on the couch to read Charlotte's web. She froze. If I asked her to read to the twins. She shut down. All things school did NOT work. 

I did research. Who says all children need to read by a certain age? I am a firm believer that all children do not grow and progress just because a book says they are suppose to by a certain age. Yes the average child walks at age one but some walk early or late. The same with reading.  BUT in my heart, I knew I needed help. We needed the resources. We need the IEP and more than the IEP. 

I never dreamed one of my own would need this yet I pushed for it. It's really a good thing so why was I so bothered. It's not shameful. This is not 1979 when learning problems were treated so different. I am an educator. I've been on the side of the teacher presenting the IEP to the parent, but to be on the side of the parent hearing your child's scores when you've worked so hard. It hurts. You hurt for them. One of your own struggling to learn and unable to find success hurts in a way that you can only understand by sitting in the parent chair. 

So, now I get it. Tears stained faces when parents leave IEP meetings. They want the IEP and help and all that it entails, but pain inside for their child. 

I'll be looking for new joy in this journey. I'll be hoping for a reading miracle. I'll be pushing forward and onward as I realized it really takes a village.